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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28187880">Everything is Alright</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CastielsWingz/pseuds/CastielsWingz'>CastielsWingz</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Big Time Rush (Band), Big Time Rush (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Depression, Drama, Gay, M/M, Multi, Romance, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:48:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,646</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28187880</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CastielsWingz/pseuds/CastielsWingz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Tell me that you're alright." <br/>"Yeah, everything is alright."</p><p>Kendall has a secret, but so does James. However, James moves to L.A. to begin his career as a singer and leaves his old life behind.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James Diamond/Kendall Knight</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Everything is Alright</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kendall was sixteen years of age. His hair was dirty blonde and his eyes, a sea green. He lived with his mother and his younger sister, Katie, who was six years younger than him. Though he was only a junior in school, he was also quite the character. He had worked a full-time job at a grocery store and on top of that, managed to become one of Minnesota's top hockey players for high school. He was lucky enough to share that same pride with his best friends, James, Logan, and Carlos, who all managed to make the top percentile as well. Doing so was not a tranquil task, and the title was only given to about five students in each high school of Minnesota state, so it is only imaginable how the boys have felt about this. </p><p>It was winter and though it was only four in the afternoon, the sky was already initiating its nightfall. It was bitter outside, and Kendall was bundled up in a long-sleeved baseball tee, a flannel, and an oversized jacket. He had a blue beanie on his head to match his lightly faded denim jeans that were ripped at the knees. He had on a red apron with a name tag that read “Kendall.” Kendall readjusted his beanie so that some of his blond hair could be seen from the front of it. He was exceedingly apprehensive about work. It was typical of him to feel such a way, but his mother was single and raising two children alone, so he had to work, even on days like today, his sixteenth birthday. </p><p>Kendall despised his birthdays. His mother only ever had enough money to take him and his sister out to eat at the restaurant she served, where a discount was included. Even though he appreciated everything his mother attempted for his birthdays, they always ended up ruined and he always ended up embarrassed. On his fifth birthday, his parents hired a clown who showed up hammered and vomited into Kendall’s hair. Kendall was unable to get the smell removed. If that wasn’t enough humiliation, when Kendall was ten, his parents took him to a petting zoo where a skunk sprayed him. For his twelfth birthday, his dad decided to leave to get milk from the store. Though he didn’t get milk. In fact, Kendall didn’t see his father again. Not for a while after that. For his thirteenth, his mother almost burnt the house down after attempting to bake him his favorite cake, red velvet with chocolate icing. Kendall didn’t remember much of his fourteenth birthday, however, because he ended up in the hospital with his wrists gashed after his father came back, drunk, and started to blame Kendall for the reason he left. That birthday was his most painful to remember. Kendall knew that his sixteenth wouldn’t be any better. But up until work, everything was going great. His school’s hockey team won, he aced his math test he thought he so desperately failed, and Jo Taylor, one of the hottest girls on the cheer team asked him out. There was only one thing wrong with that. He told her yes. He told Jo Taylor that he’d go out with her. He wasn’t even into Jo, not like that. He was into somebody else. But he knew he couldn’t tell that person. So as she approached Kendall with her glistening smile like she always did, and asked him out, he nodded with a smile on his face. He felt like a complete idiot afterward. Who goes out with someone they aren’t even into? Kendall concluded that it was because all of his other friends had girlfriends. Logan was dating Camille. Carlos was dating a girl named Ashley who shares his love for corn dogs, and James, well James was a different breed. He claims he has had multiple girlfriends, but Kendall never saw him go out with anybody ever. </p><p>Kendall walked into work, a fake smile upon his face. “Hello, Mr. Browne,” Kendall said, approaching his boss. He swiped his card to clock in and flashed him a smile. </p><p>“Hey! Happy birthday!” Mr. Browne told him. “I have something for you actually. Company policy to give you something annually for your birthday,” he explained. He handed Kendall an envelope. “It’s not much, but we appreciate you here, Kendall,” he said, his eyes motioning to where he knew Kendall’s scars rested. Kendall folded his arms insecurely and nodded.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, sir. Honestly.” He tucked the envelope into the back pocket of his jeans. “I guess I should go ahead and get started,” Kendall said and his boss nodded at him. </p><p>“Oh, and Kendall?”<br/>
Kendall turned towards Mr. Browne and looked at him questioningly. “How uh, how is your mother?” </p><p>Kendall noticed the blush form upon his boss’ face and chewed at his lip to contain his own laughter. “Mom is fine. She’s picked up more hours at the restaurant,” he said, his voice resting in a calm manner. </p><p>“Oh, that’s great. Tell her that if she ever needs anything, and I mean anything at all, please don’t hesitate to contact me.”</p><p>Kendall nodded and gave his boss an awkward smile before leaving the office. He went out to the registers and punched his number in. He waited as people finished their shopping so he could complete their transactions for them. Living in the small city of Duluth, he knew almost everybody in the store, so he was able to make easy conversations. With Mr. Simpson, he would ask how he was feeling. Mr. Simpson was a lonely, older man who had recently lost his wife to cancer. Kendall was devastated to hear when she passed. She always baked cookies and when she came into the store, where Kendall worked, she'd offer some to him. They were a lovely couple who had no children and too much love to give. With Mrs. Cocoa, he would always be sure to comment about her clothing, which always seemed to make her day. Then he would talk to Ms. Pencey. She was a younger woman who always seemed to flirt with Kendall. He would always have to politely shut her down claiming he was too young. She always questioned whether that was the case, or if there was something else he was not admitting to. He also would see Dr. Edwards. Dr. Edwards was a young doctor. He always took notice of the handsome man and how his hair looked. When Kendall would talk to him, he would always take note of the man’s blue eyes and how they sparkled underneath the store’s lights. Dr. Edwards was his favorite customer. He always got canned food for his cat called Nala, and while Kendall would ask how his day was at work, he would always listen with much respect and gratitude. One day, in particular, Kendall wanted to ask the young man if he happened to be into men, as he felt that he was getting those types of vibes, but that was shot down as soon as Kendall noticed he had a ring on. The ring was beautiful, gold. It was expensive. But that was typical coming from a doctor. Kendall smiled at him and told him how nice it was. He thanked Kendall and told him it was from his fiance, Bradley. Kendall felt his chest tighten knowing that. However, he smiled at the doctor and wished him a good day. </p><p>Today Kendall was making conversation with Dr. Edwards. He noticed the man’s ring was not there. He couldn’t help but smile at the thought. “So will you like that in paper or plastic today, Doc?” Kendall asked him. He already knew the answer, as he did with every customer. But he still had to ask. Dr. Edwards rathered paper and he always explained that it was to save the Earth. </p><p>“Paper is just fine, thank you.” Kendall nodded and smiled, bagging his items for him neatly in the brown sack.“So, I noticed you no longer had a ring. Is everything okay at home with the fiance?” </p><p>Kendall knew that was an awkward question and they were not exactly in the best location to be sharing that information, so he didn’t expect an answer, but was shocked when the doctor replied.<br/>
“Yeah. Everything’s fine. We are just taking a small break. He wanted to try and see if he was straight. I mean, how insane is that?" </p><p>“What? Oh, that’s horrible,” Kendall said. He smiled to himself, but quickly changed the subject. “So uh, does that mean you are looking for other guys right now? I was wondering if maybe you’d like to go out with m-,” Kendall was interrupted by a loud, recognizable voice. The voice grew louder by the second, and suddenly, James ran up. </p><p>"Kendall!” James called. Kendall frowned and said his goodbyes to Dr. Edwards as he saw James approach him. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey! What are you doing here… at my job?” Kendall asked. In his head, he was cursing James out for ruining his moment with the doctor. </p><p>“Oh, Kendall! I have some great news!” James was taller than Kendall, with shaggy brown hair and hazel eyes. He was always more fashionable as well. Compared to Kendall, James had everything. He had the money, the good looks. He could even get the girls, so Kendall couldn’t understand why James rejected every girl that hit on him or practically threw themselves at him. As far as Kendall knew, he and James were the only virgins of their group. </p><p>“Do you finally have a girlfriend?” Kendall laughed. He looked at James' lips and imagined James kissing him in one of the frozen food aisles of the store. He imagined James running his large hands underneath Kendall’s shirt, across his abs as his other hand caressed his cock. He imagined James placing a kiss on his- and he stopped himself. He should not be thinking that way. Not at work and especially not about his best friend. Those feelings should not have been swimming around in his thoughts either. </p><p>“What? No! Why do you always obsess over that?”</p><p>“Oh. Then tell me!” Kendall sounded almost too happy about that confirmation. </p><p>“So you know how my dream is to become famous?” </p><p>Kendall nodded. He didn’t like the direction that was heading. Not a bit.</p><p>“Well, I may or may not have submitted a virtual audition to a few record companies and I may or may not have gotten a few replies back. Do you know Gustavo Rogue?” </p><p>Kendall thought for a moment. “That name sounds familiar.” Kendall recognized the name, but could not put a face to him. He squinted his eyes as if he was trying to think. </p><p>“Exactly. He used to be one of the hottest record signers of all time. He hasn’t had a hit in over nine years, you know. So he wants me to go to his studio and work with him. I can be his first hit in over nine years! Do you know how big that is?"</p><p>Kendall smiled. “James, oh God! That’s amazing. His studio is in Minnesota, really?”</p><p>James shook his head. “That’s where the best news comes into play. His studio is in L.A.!”</p><p>“O-Oh,” Kendall felt his face grow hot. Maybe it was all those damned layers he was wearing. “W-When do you leave?”  </p><p>“Tuesday night! Isn’t that exciting?” </p><p>Kendall just gave James a fake smile. He wanted to scream at him. He wanted to slap James. He wanted to hate James for his talent and perfect looks. But instead, Kendall bit his lip and decided to not do those things. “T-That’s amazing, James. I’m happy for you, really.” </p><p>James smiled. “Today was amazing! We won the game, Jo asked you out, and now, I’m off to L.A. Tuesday night! I’m so excited.”</p><p>Kendall nodded. </p><p>“Well, I better be going and pack up my things. Will you be meeting me at the airport?” </p><p>Kendall nodded, even though he knew he most likely wouldn’t be there. “See you around,” Kendall choked out. </p><p>James turned to leave but turned back towards Kendall. “Oh, right! Today is your birthday. Happy birthday,” James hugged him and raced off. Kendall sighed, running his hands through his hair. This birthday was officially the worst one. Worst than when he was in the hospital with bandages around his wrists.</p><p>Kendall got lost in his own thoughts as the night dragged on. He checked the clock at five-thirty, and again at five-forty-five. He felt as though the damned clock was moving too slow and that he has already been there for more than three hours.<br/>
With no use of his shift ending and no attempt of asking to leave early, Kendall decided to do what he did best. He put in his earbuds and he thought... about Dr. Edwards, about Mr. Simpson's dead wife, about James, and his best friends, but mostly about James. No matter what he did, his thoughts always seemed to hop back to James. Kendall wondered what James looked like right now and if he had any clothes on while packing. He wondered if James felt remorse at all, or guilt for just up and leaving. No matter how angry he felt himself grow towards James, he would always try to picture James in the shower, naked, and all wet, running soap through his thick hair. Kendall swallowed thickly and shook those thoughts away when he saw Jo proceed towards him. "Hey, Kenndal," Jo said, smiling, She was always smiling. Kendall could never figure it out. </p><p>"Hey," he said, looking right back at her. "What are you doing here?" </p><p>"Well, I was bored, and decided to see what my favorite guy was up to." She looked at Kendall, who was not for one moment believing her. </p><p>She sighed, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "Okay, fine. Mom needed stuff for dinner tonight, and she sent me. I had no clue you were working tonight. But since you are, I've been meaning to ask you where you'd like to go for our first date. I am so excited. I was thinking about a picnic at the park and then watching the stars in the night sky, but I realized that it would be too cold and that would be something more for a third date. So then I thought about a movie in theaters and pizza afterward. It doesn't have to be fancy. But then I came to the realization that you should pick... it is our first date after all and I really like you."</p><p>Kendall's eyes widened and smiled at her. "We can have the date Tuesday night. I think the star gazing idea is perfect. Don't worry. Just look cute. Not saying that you aren't, but just look your best," Kendall froze. "I mean- just look presentable. Wear what you'd normally wear," he said finally, after a moment of finding the correct words. "I'm just nervous. I have never been on a date with a girl, let alone, with anyone, before." </p><p>Jo giggled. "It's okay to be nervous. I am too," she gave him a quick peck on the cheek and ran off, full of giddy. </p><p>Kendall sighed and impatiently tapped his shoulders against his register until it came to be ten. At ten, Kendall quickly hung up his apron and clocked out. He hopped onto his bike and got home quickly. Katie was at home, doing her homework when Kendall walked in. "Where's mom?" He asked, putting his bike in the garage. </p><p>"Working late... again," Katie said. "Kendall, do you have any clue what time it is?" Katie asked, in her usual sarcastic tone. </p><p>Kendall laughed. "After ten. So you need to sleep. Did you eat yet?" He asked, taking off his coat and hanging it up on the hook. </p><p>She nodded. "I ate, I bathed. I finished my homework. What else do you want from me?" She asked, placing her hand onto her hip. </p><p>Kendall shook his head, laughing. "Bed," he said after a moment. He watched her pack up her homework and move to her room. "I'll be back after my shower to say goodnight!" He called. He waited until he was sure he didn't hear her footprints shuffling around anymore before making his way into the bathroom. He stripped and studied himself in the mirror. </p><p>"You know... James is an asshole. I don't care about the fucking gifts. I wish he told me sooner instead of on my birthday. I cannot have one nice day to celebrate my birth or existence."<br/>
He stared at himself, eyeing up his scars. He shivered as he ran his fingers over them.<br/>
Kendall ran the hot water until it burned his skin when he reached out for it. He stepped into the shower and sat down, hugging his knees and proceeding to rock back and forth as he thought of the next couple of weeks without James there. Without James, the group was not the same. Sure he had Logan, the brain of the group, and Carlos, the rowdy, fun one. Adding himself to the group meant the group had a leader. But without James, that group couldn't stick together. James is the glue that held them together. Sure, there were times he was selfish and too vain, but that was just how James was.</p><p>Kendall sat in the shower, watching his wrists now spew blood against the wall as he closed his eyes and continued to get lost in his own thoughts.</p><p>Kendall felt himself drift in and out of consciousness but jerked awake when he heard a knock on the door. "Sweetie," he heard his mother's angelic voice from the other end of the door. She must have been home from work. That was quick. He glanced at the clock in the bathroom and noticed the time said twelve-thirty. He remembered falling asleep.<br/>
"Fuck, was I asleep that long?" He went to get up but groaned when he reached up to turn the faucet off. "Ah, fuck!" He cried out. </p><p>"Kendall, baby, are you okay?"</p><p>Kendall turned the water off and climbed out of the shower. He wrapped his wrists up with the leftover gauze and then wrapped himself up in a towel. "Kendall?"<br/>
Kendall frantically scrubbed the walls clean and threw away the evidence. He flushed the bloody gauze and rewrapped his wrists. "Kendall, if you don't open this door, I will break it down. One," his mother started to count as if he was a child in need of punishment. Only his punishment would be a mental hospital. "Two." </p><p>Kendall made the bathroom presentable and opened the door, just as his mom got to three. "Mom, relax. Sorry. I was showering. I must have fallen asleep," he said.<br/>
He knew she was suspicious and eyed his arms for any activity, but Kendall played his cards well. "What? You really think I would do such a thing... again? I don't think so, mom. Why would I want to end back up in the hospital? I'm just cold," Kendall said. He was unsure if his mother believed that, but when she shrugged, he went to his room. </p><p>He quickly ditched the towel and got changed into a pair of sweatpants and hoodie. He stared at his fresh wounds and frowned. "Well, Kendall. This really was the worst birthday ever." He touched one of the cuts, but winced, realizing how sore his arm actually was. He heard his mother's footsteps walk down towards his room. He panicked and pulled his hoodie sleeves down, and climbed into bed. He pulled the blanket up over himself and turned his head to make it seem as if he was sleeping. </p><p>"Kendall, baby. I know you are not asleep," Mrs. Knight said. Kendall groaned but turned towards her. He sat up. </p><p>"Hi," she said, smiling at him. She looked exhausted like she hasn't slept in a few days. Kendall couldn't help, but notice the dark bags under his mother's eyes that she tried to cover up with makeup.</p><p>"Hey. I know it's not technically your birthday anymore, but I wanted to give you something. You deserve it." </p><p>Kendall frowned. "No, mom. I do not want nor deserve anything." He had pushed away from the box that she had laid on his bed. </p><p>"Kendall, please."</p><p>"I said no!" Kendall exclaimed, a little louder than he would have liked. </p><p>His mother looked shocked and frowned. But with respect to her son, she put the box on his nightstand. "Okay... I won't ask. Happy birthday," she kissed his head and turned to leave the room. She paused, as if she was thinking, and retorted back to Kendall. "Just know that no matter what it is, I am here for you. I love you." </p><p>"Thanks, mom. I know. I love you, too," Kendall said and he gave her a soft smile as she left.<br/>
Kendall sighed, falling back into his bed. He laid there for a few moments, feeling helpless. He stared at the box, and then the ceiling. Then, back at the box. Giving in, he reached for the box and opened it, slowly tearing the wrapping paper so he didn't make a sound. He looked at the now unwrapped gift and smiled, seeing it was a new colored beanie and the Apple watch he eyed up in stores. He'd never say it out loud, but he wanted to get an Apple watch for as long as he could remember. His mother must've noticed when he picked it up to see the price and grimacing as he put it down after learning of the price. </p><p>Kendall smiled sadly to himself as he put the watch back into its box. He put the box on the nightstand and laid in bed, thinking of James.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please note that I do not own any of the BTR characters. They belong to Nick. </p><p>Hello, I am Mayson. I am eighteen. My pronouns are he/him. I am bisexual. You may not know me, but I came from Wattpad. I know, I know, cringe-worthy. Anyway, this is my first work on Ao3, and I hope to get my work out there more. I am involved with many fandoms such as:</p><p>Supernatural <br/>American Horror Story <br/>Shameless <br/>13RW<br/>Bates Motel <br/>Big Time Rush <br/>Julie and the Phantoms.</p><p>I also enjoy a plethora of music genres and books. I also play the piano and guitar.  </p><p>I recently got back into this fandom after my brothers and I began to rewatch the show. I grew obsessed and instantly turned to find Kames fanfics. There are not many out there, though I did read a really good one called "The Diamond Boys." <br/>I decided to write my own Kames fanfiction because let's be honest, they will always live on no matter how old the show is. I have so many ideas, so bear with me. </p><p>:) </p><p>-Mayson</p></blockquote></div></div>
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